Quote

“When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; when character is lost, all is lost.” –Billy Graham

Shakabuku Files

Sitting in a coffee shop, there are about a dozen “seniors” kibbutzing about this and that. I come in on a conversation about Obama and entitlement programs. Socialized medicine is evil, people are just gimme gimme gimme, today’s taxes don’t cover the cost so the people taking money from the government now are just putting the financial burder on other people in the future. With absolutely no sense of irony, the conversation then shifts to them bitching about their Social Security and Medicare, their last increase was only X and should have been more, it doesn’t cover this and that, they had to pay for all this stuff out of pocket because the stingy government doesn’t want to pony up and give them their due.

The topic drifts to the economy, and how their property taxes have gone up, and how so-and-so’s son got laid off and is having trouble finding work, and it’s sooo terrible, it’s sooo awful. Then a homeless guy walks by outside, and one guy cracks that that’s the reason you always get a shopping cart with a stuck, wobbly wheel at the grocery store, the bums (his word) steal all the good ones. Har har har, everybody laughs. I want to yell hey, jackass, that’s so-and-so’s son out there! But I don’t. Because some people will never get it, no matter how much two-fisted enlightenment you bestow upon them.

 

 

No, NoWriMo

I’ve won twice, and that’s enough. I know all of the tricks on how to make word count in 30 days, bust writer’s block, and all of the other things NaNoWriMo is good for. Instead, during the month of November I will be employing the writing/motivational technique called “Big Daddy need to sell some writing so he can make rent”. Which, oddly enough, is the same contest I entered in October and will be playing again in December. And yes, I just referred to myself as ‘Big Daddy’. Shut up.

Pain and Progress

The climate in New Mexico doesn’t agree with me. At least, it doesn’t agree with my arthritis. The chill and damp, coupled with the physical aspects of my job, has had me waking up in the middle of the night with hand and wrist pain. Naproxin sodium and some roll-on hot/cold stuff helps, and it’s nowhere near the level of pain I was having earlier in the year, but it’s annoying.

Too many of my favorite movies are putting the wrong message in my head. Confessions of a Dangerous Mind: Chuck Barris had passion, made crap, and reflects on how he’s wasted his life. Ed Wood: had passion, made crap, largely remembered for being a high-profile loser. Clerks 2: Why aren’t you doing anything with your life? We’re not even going to talk about The Wrestler.

In less than two weeks I’ll turn 46. I’m in the middle of a divorce. I’m bumming space to sleep and park my stuff, as well as food, from a friend. I’ve got a low-paying, part-time retail job to get me through while I continue looking for a “real” job. I’m writing as much as I can, as fast as I can, to further some long-term goals and make some extra income. It’s not a pretty picture. Failure isn’t an option, but this certainly doesn’t look like success, unless you count survival as success. Yet I continue to fight, because that’s all I have left. Depression isn’t an option, so I snarl and growl and snap and bite and yes, I have fueled myself on anger and bitterness at times because in lean times you use what you have. I maintain my vision that I come out of this on top, if I can just hold on. It is getting better, by inches.  But again, I have to say, this is damned hard.

 

Berin Kinsman/UncleBear Update – 11/09

News

UncleBear is hosting the RPG Blog Carnival for November. The topic is “Community: in-game and in real life”. What does community mean to you, as a player, and what do you want from a community? How does the concept of community factor into your game setting?

Office Hours
Because I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment, I’m now keeping online office hours from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Mountain Time, Monday through Friday. That is the only time I will be checking email, RPMN, Twitter, and Facebook. It doesn’t sound like much, but that’s three hours a day, 15 hours per week checking messages, and that’s the limit I’m setting. If you’re trying to reach me, please be assured that I will do my best to get back to you within one business day.

Site Redesign
The current goal is to have UncleBear.com transitioned into a gateway for all of the activities below by the end of the year. Rather than having to remember or bookmark a variety of URLs, I want people to have one place where they can go to find out what’s going on with UncleBear (the company) and Berin Kinsman (the person).

UncleBear

http://UncleBear.com
http://twitter.com/unclebear
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Uncle-Bear/103866327040?ref=mf
kinsman at unclebear dot com

UncleBear is a company dedicated to producing content for and about tabletop roleplaying games. It operates the Role Play Media Network, FandoNM, a small press publishing effort, and offers consulting services to aspiring game designers.

Role Play Media Network
http://RolePlayMedia.net
The RPMN is a social network for anyone who creates content for and about tabletop roleplaying games, including bloggers, podcasters, writers, designers, and gamemasters, as well as their audiences. It offers free blogs, forums, groups, and chat.

FandoNM
http://FandoNM.ning.com
FandoNM (Fan Do, “Way of the Fan”) is an organization created to promote fan-related activies in the state of New Mexico. It is currently in its infancy and seeking officers and volunteers. While it is currently being operated as a private venture, the goal is to spin it off into a 501(c)3 non-profit organization once it finds its legs.

Publishing
In 2010 UncleBear will move into small press publishing, offering systemless game mastering, world building, and setting material. This material will be available via DriveThruRPG, RPGNow, Lulu, and other reputable vendors.

Game Consulting
UncleBear offers affordable consulting services to aspiring game designers. These services include proofreading, editing, ghost writing, and confidential private reviews. Previously offered directly by Berin Kinsman, in 2010 UncleBear will be adding additional consulting staff so that each game can be assisted by an experienced consultant who is the right “fit” for the game’s genre and style of play.

Berin Kinsman

In addition to operating UncleBear, Berin Kinsman works with other organizations to help promote roleplaying games as a creative and healthy hobby.

Phoenix RPG Examiner
http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-7705-Phoenix-RPG-Examiner
While the focus of this Examiner.com column is on the Arizona gaming scene, the material is of general interest and includes game reviews, interviews, and the popular Twitter Follow Friday 5.

OneBookShelf Featured Reviewer
http://DriveThruRPG.com
http://RPGNow.com
Going into 2010, Berin will be a featured reviewer for the OneBookShelf family of online retail sites.

Southern Arizona Gamers Association
http://SouthernArizonaGamersAssociation.com
The Southern Arizona Gamers Association (SAGA) is a non-profit organization whose charter is to promote a culture of family gaming and to foster a closer relationship between the community at large in Southern Arizona and hobby games industry. We promote the social and developmental benefits of gaming. Many of SAGA members are published game authors, hobby games industry insiders, working professionals, distinguished military and accomplished students.

SAGA operates two monthly game days, Ides of Gaming and the Tucson RPG Guild meetup, as well as seminars and convention events, including RinCon. As a SAGA Marshal, Berin helps to promote SAGA and its events.

RinCon 10
http://RinConGames.com
At the close of RinCon ‘09, it was announced that Berin will be Communications Director for RinCon 10.

Podcasting
A former regular on the Pulp Gamer Out of Character podcast, Berin is currently preparing to launch a brand new tabletop roleplaying podcast in the near future.

Web Presence
http://BerinKinsman.com
http://direking.wordpress.com
http://twitter.com/berinkinsman
http://facebook.com/berinkinsman
http://www.flickr.com/photos/berin_kinsman/
berin dot kinsman at gmail dot com

BerinKinsman.com is currently a personal blog covering mostly non-roleplaying game topics. By the end of the year, that domain will redirect to UncleBear.com, and Berin’s “personal space” will completely transition to a hosted space.

To keep life manageable, Berin’s Facebook page and Twitter feed are restricted to friends only. You can send a request, but don’t be offended if it’s denied or you don’t get a response. If you don’t know Berin personally, in “real life”, the best way to contact him is via the UncleBear accounts.

Why Shakabuku Hyde Exists

So I walk into a coffee shop, one I haven’t been to before, because the library doesn’t open for another hour, it’s close by, and I need to feed my caffeine addiction. I get a cup of coffee, sit down, and pop open thebinder that serves as my day planner/filing cabinet. A moment later a guy comes in the door, starts to the counter, then turns sharply and walks right up to me.

“You’re in my seat,” he says.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re in my seat,” he says again. “I’m a regular here. I come here every day. That’s my seat.”

“Okay, well, it wasn’t marked as reserved or anything. I’ll be out of here in a few minutes, you can have it then.”

“No,” he says. “That. Is. My. Seat.” He’s looking pretty angry, and getting red in the face.

“Alright, I’m going to suggest three ways to handle this. First, you can piss off, because it’s a coffee shop and unless you’re the owner it’s not ‘your’ seat. Second, you can go and get the manager and see if he or she will enforce your squatter’s rights to this chair. Third, we can continue this discussion in the parking lot, because you look like you’re going to take swing at me and if I’m gonna have to kick your ass I’d prefer to do it where bystanders won’t get hit by your flying corpse.”

He took option two. The manager told him, in polite language, to reconnect with reality and piss up a rope.

I finished what I was doing and leave, as was my plan. Just needed to check my notes and kill time until the library opens. At the library, I stood outside next to  trash can, backpack on my shoulder, sipping the dregs of my coffee before I go in. Waste not, want not, and as I said, I’m an addict. I’d finish it even if it were stone cold and bitter and it was getting close to that point.

As I’m standing there, a woman crosses the parking lot toward the entrance, but stops next to me. “You can’t take that coffee inside the library.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m standing out here to finish it before I go in.”

“There’s no food or drink allowed inside the library,” she says.

Blink. “Am I in the library right now?” I ask, possibly with a hint of annoyed sarcasm.

“No, but just so you know, you can’t take that inside,” she says.

“Look, lady, I don’t know if you’re an overzealous librarian or just an upright citizen with too much time on her hands, but I’m not IN the goddamn library, I’m standing OUTSIDE the library, I know the goddamn rules, and you’re starting to piss me off. Is there someone, say, INSIDE that you could be annoying?”

“Just don’t bring that coffee inside,” she says, and go into the library.

WTF?

Now, inside the library there’s a walled area where the public computers are. Half-wall, you can see the people in there checking there email and doing whatever it is they do. At certain times of the day, there’s a queue because there are more people than computers. So far as I know there’s no time limit or anything, so people just sort of hover waiting for someone else to be done. Outside this little corral is a long table, with outlets, for people who bring their own laptops. That’s where I typically set up. So I’m working, writing, keeping an eye out for the crazy coffee-enforcement lady, wondering if she’s somehow related to, possibly married to, mister “that’s my seat”. I’m there for a while, writing, and have to use the restroom and recycle the coffee.  No problem, I tilt the screen down and walk over the men’s room.

When I come back, there’s a woman using my laptop. “Um, EXCUSE me,” I say. Quietly, as it’s a library. Probably not politely in tone, but more polite than I’m feeling.

“Oh, I’ll be done in  minute, I just need to check my email,” she says.

“No, you’ll be done NOW. That’s not a library computer, that’s MY computer, and it’s not there for public use.”

“Well, you weren’t using it,” she says.

“It’s doesn’t matter,” I say, trying to not raise my voice but still sound forceful. “It’s my computer, I got up for a moment, that doesn’t give you the right to just jump in!”

“Well, I’ll be done in a minute,” she says.

The battery on my laptop is dead. Dead-dead. Doesn’t hold a charge. Does not work when unplugged. This is why I save frequently, in case of a power outage or surge or something. I saved before I when to the john. So reached down and unplugged it.

“Buh, wha, why did you do that? I lost the email I was sending!”

“Not you computer, lady. You do not have permission to use this machine. My laptop, my rules. Go complain to a librarian. Call a cop, for all I care. Just go away before I actually get angry and make a scene that gets us both kicked out.”

She ratted on me to a librarian. She told the librarian I was rude. The librarian spoke to her as if she were a child and told her not to touch other peoples’ things without permission.

This kind of crap happens to me all too often. I’m like a magnet for the insane. Is it any wonder why I developed a dark alter-ego to deal with this nonsense?

Filters, Redux

Last night i was engaged in a great conversation with a friend, and about half way through I paused and said, “it’s a shame we’re not recording this, it would make a great podcast”. Now, we’re both bloggers and podcasters and it was on topic for the things we write about — in fact, it sprung from a blog post he’d just written — but it also startled me that here in 2009, potentially everything is media fodder. It took me aback that I’d suggested such a thing so easily; everything is potentially content.

An ongoing battle I’ve had, ever since I started writing online in 1996, is how much of my life do I write about? Where’s the edge? I’ve written about being affected by depression, because i’m not ashamed of it and if you’re not personally affected by it you likely know someone who is. It’s not something that I feel should be stigmatized, so I write about it. I’ve written about being in chronic pain, because that’s just reality. writing about it helped me work through things, until I was functional again. I’ve written that I’m getting divorced, but not really about the divorce, not because it’s too personal but because there’s another person involved. Obviously I don’t write about days jobs, because too many employers have had negative reactions to that sort of thing; i won’t even hint at who I’m employed by anywhere on the internet, except in private emails. I don’t talk about my freelancing clients unless they pay me to, because that’s a value-added service. But on a personal level, there’s been very little I won’t discuss. Until now.

Yes, I finally hit a topic that I won’t write about. I’m not here to tease you with it; I’m writing about it because I don’t quite understand why I won’t write about it. This is “meta” woolgathering. Is it because I’m not entirely comfortable with the subject? Is it because I’m actually afraid of peoples’ reactions to the subject? Is it because I suddenly recognize a boundary, that there’s something that just plain isn’t anyone else’s business?  I don’t know. I will say that I haven’t even told most of my “real life” friends about it. And, let me assure you, it’s nothing anyone should worry about. It’s just… odd, that this is my own thing, kept to myself.

Of course, that’s probably the answer. I live a very public life, here on the internet. I’m a bit internet-famous, for what it’s worth. I’m crashing with a friend. I don’t have the same levels of privacy that I once had. I also own no more than what fit into my car. Most of what I “own” are ideas and virtual real estate. I think that I’ve carved out this little pocket of “mine” and I’ve chosen not to blog about it because I don’t want to share, I want something that’s all mine and completely private. With everything I’ve been through in the past several months, I think it’s actually some sort of coping mechanism.

Okay, another over-analysis. Thanks for listening while I talked that out and got my head around it.

365 Bear: Interlude

Haven’t been in a very Tao place the past couple of days. Nothing’s wrong, I’m just very busy, and very passionate about a few things.  There’s definitely a need for me to pause, refocus, and catch my balance, and i’m doing that. However, I’m not in a place that’s particularly conducive to writing about Tao. I need to ground and center, because most of what i’m writing comes out ‘GO!” and “ROAR!”. Those aren’t bad things, but again, it’s not a good emotional state to be in when attempting to reflect and comment on the tao.

365 Bear will return after I’ve calmed down a bit.

Filters

“I mean, obviously people are going to think I’m a showboat, and a little bit of a prick. But then I thought… that’s me. I said those things, I did those things. I can live with that.” – Steve Zissou

Yes, what he said. There’s more that I wanted to say, but Capt. Zissou summed it up rather more nicely than I would have.

365 Bear 19: Initiative

I have a tendency to think before I act. I have a nasty habit of starting projects before finishing others. I exist in “do” mode when I should be in “plan” mode, but I also find myself stalled in “plan” mode when I should be in “do” mode. There needs to be a balance there. Do in the right moment. One more aspect of “right action”.

Next: Happiness

Read 365 Tao by Deng Ming-Dao