Viri’s Version of the Holidays

I was talking to a friend recently and said, “I don’t celebrate holidays.” They took that to mean they were the only ones to give me presents, which had nothing to do with what I meant. This year I got a 1400$ Sony Vaio, a laserjet printer, a scanner and more small bits than I can count.

Not one gift came on my birthday, Valentine’s Day or Christmas.

I gave some things. not near as much as I got because, well, I just don’t have that kind of cash – or hookups. I am making gaming terrain for a friend as a gift but probably won’t have it done in time for any holiday.

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I am glad I am born every day I am alive. While I love my birthday most of the time, it’s for the attention I get – nothing else. And I do love attention sometimes. That one day of the year, I can come out and crave it.

I am thankful for a great many things but I am thankful for them all the time. For instant, my brain, oh my god, I get more and more happy with every day as I watch older friends fossilize, people my age get mushy in the head or even just stupid girls say they cannot do math. I honestly fear the time I cannot think.

And Christmas, dear god read what Berin wrote. Who needs the hassle? Cooking a bunch of food you might not even like for a group of people you’d rather avoid, getting gifts you either don’t want or can’t use and feeling the pressure of reciprocating when you hardly know someone and then hoping they LIKE it. Bah. Humbug.

I’m going to visit that friend in California soon. The family I’ll be staying with are big holiday people. I want to see the friend. I have mixed feelings about the holiday celebrations. I certainly won’t be giving gifts. I hardly really know them, I certainly don’t know them well enough to have a clue what they might like to receive.

If I ever do get to know them that well, I’ll do what I always do. If I have cash to spend and see something they like, it’s theirs. The hell with the day of the year.

This is one of the few things I really think the Jehovah’s Witnesses got right. Celebrate every day and enjoy it. Stop focusing so much on 2 or 3 days a year with such limited tunnel vision.

Holidays

Typically, I hate Christmas. Too many years in retail have ruined it for me. I hate the crass commercialism of it all, the mad materialism and consumerism and gluttony of it. Bah. It’s not what it’s advertised to be, a celebration of salvation and redemption. It’s about money and stuff.

I think I’m okay with Christmas this year because I have neither money nor stuff. Everyone knows I’m struggling, so no one expects anything from me. I don’t expect anything from anyone, as usual, and would really prefer donations be made to help people worse off than me (and yes, there are people worse off than me).

The holiday I really want to celebrate this year is Hannukah. I may try to find a synagog somewhere that will let my gentile ass in to worship with them. Let’s be honest, Hannukah is the holiday most appropriate to my circumstances. The Macabees miraculously had one night’s worth of oil stretch out for eight nights. Every time I worried about where I was going to go, where I was going to sleep, how long I could stretch my meager budget to keep myself in gas or groceries, something happened. Some minor miracle occurred. A friend would offer aid. I’d get a consulting gig for a few bucks, or sell some advertising on a website, or get a donation because someone came across some old thing I wrote ages ago and dug it.

In about a week, I’ll have my own place again. I plan on getting a Christmas tree, albeit a small artificial one. I’m already listening to the radio station that plays nothing but Christmas music, and I’ve got my favorite Christmas movies on DVD to watch over and over. I’m currently planning to spend Christmas alone (save for possibly crashing some religious services), in prayer, meditation, and contemplation. I want to embrace what the holiday is supposed to be about: hope, renewal, and spiritual rebirth. That’s the point I’m at on this journey.

Thanksgiving

All things considered, I have far more to be thankful for than I do to bitch about. As I was telling Cameron a few days ago, I don’t mind where I’m at so much as I resent how I got here, and would really have liked a little more time to prepare myself for this journey, but that’s not how life works.

Obviously, I’m thankful for my friends. The ones that have offered me shelter and materiel support. The ones who have listened while I freaked out, cried, panicked, broke down, thought out loud, and tried to make sense of my situations. The ones who’ve offered moral support, prayers, and happy thoughts. The ones who understood that I was pushing myself to be as present as I was, and the ones who chastized me for pushing as hard as I did.

Many, many thanks to all of the beautiful women in my life, who have said the most flattering and morale-boosting things to me and called my ex’s sanity into question. Once my divorce is final, and I’m in a better place, I will be accepting some offers. Oh, yes indeed. For now, I’m simply thankful to have loving, caring females in my life.

I’m thankful to be at the point where I’m starting to believe, emotionally, that the light in the distance is the end of the tunnel and not another oncoming train. Intellectually, I have always known this. I’m thankful that I’m back to a place where I can separate my emotional worried from my rational concerns again.

Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. It’s capped off by gluttonous amounts of food, to be sure, but for me it’s always been about family, fellowship, and tradition, even moreso than Christmas. This year, obviously, that’s all been shattered. I’ve gotten multiple invites, and I’ll probably pop in to visit some friends to be polite and social, but in light of circumstances I’m starting a new tradition. I’m planning to spend at least part of the day alone, in quiet contemplation, meditation, and prayer. Grounding, centering, and focusing on everything I have to give thanks for.

State of Berin: Facts and Figures

Last night I found out my divorce will not be final this year. That means I won’t get to file as single, and get more back from withholding at the married rate most of the year.

Payday is December 4th, and I’ll be moving into my own place that morning before work. I’m still looking at places. I’m preferably looking for a studio in the $350-400 a month range, furnished and utilities paid. Optionally, I can make due unfurnished. worst case, I’ll rent a room in a home or explore a roommate situation. The only part that’s not negotiable is price, as my income is currently limited and I don’t have wiggle room.

Things I will need: a rice cooker, a wok or deep round-bottomed pot, a coffee maker. If I end up in unfurnished space I’ll be looking for a futon, a table and a chair. That’s about it. Yes, I have all of these things, back in the garage in Tucson. Didn’t have room to fit everything in my car.

Still job hunting. Still putting out applications and resumes and following up on them. In the mean time, writing up a storm and making as much extra money that way as possible. I like the job I have and am grateful for it, but I need a bit more money to get myself set up.

Things are about finalized with my debtors. Plans have been worked out so they get payments I can afford to make without utterly screwing me on penalties and interest. It’s not going to be a thing, unless something changes. Which, given banks, is likely to happen, but I remain positive.

Circumstances aside, I am enjoying the Buddhist/Amish minimalist lifestyle. I only wish it were by choice, but I’m seeing this as a blessing. Less stuff, less clutter, more time and energy to focus on things that matter.

 

Sunday Brunch: Two Months

Yeah, two months. I’ve only been in Albuquerque for two months. It seems so much longer. I feel like I’ve been here forever and accomplished… nothing. Some of that is depression. Some of that is a lack of routine. Some of that is a lack of my own digs, a semi-permanent base of operations where I am/feel like I am in control and from which I can then reach out and accomplish things.

For the past two months, I feel like I’ve been in the eye of a hurricane, some bizarro-horrible version of my life flashing before my eyes, the recent past swirling around, out of my grasp, my plans for the future equally untouchable. The ground beneath me has been quicksand, unstable and forcing me to move slowly lest I sink beneath the surface and vanish. Those moments, those days when I feel like that stretch out interminably long. I’ve had days that felt two months long.

So, perspective. I’ve been here two months. I’ve got a job that I like, albeit a relatively low-paying one, but I’ve worked out ways to survive on it. It gives me a baseline income and time to do other things, which will net me more money. In a couple of weeks, I will have my own place. My needs are few: a place to sleep, a desk to work at, a shower, basic cooking facilities. The “need” for stuff has been boiled away. I’m running lean. I’m practically running Amish.

It’s been said before, by me even: I come out of this better then I went in. It just need to survive long enough to come out the other side.

I’ve got worlds to conquer, bitches.

News and Notes

Today is Shakabuku Hyde’s birthday, according to his official biography. I’d avoid him like the plague and not bother wishing him anything.

I want to thank Rae for talking me off the ledge with the car thing, John for helping with parts and Chris for the labor. Here’s my superpower in action: I networked a nearly $600 original estimate for repairs down to $80 in parts and the love of my friends. I want to get past survival mode so I can turn that superpower outward again and get back to making the world a better place.

I want to thank Cameron and Linda for putting up with me for the past two months, and Scott and Deb for putting up with me for the next two week.

Currently Reading

The Dwarves, by Markus Heitz. I’m digging this book. The protagonist is loveable, the worldbuilding is keen, the writing (actually, the translation, as the book was originally written in German) is sharp. Digging it. Not wanting to put it down, and if I had a couple of days to do nothing but read, I wouldn’t put it down. Recommended.

Currently Watching

With my laptop now fixed (knock wood) so that it doesn’t seize up when trying to watch streaming video, I’ve been catching up on my television. I watch the past two seasons of South Park, and as much Venture Brothers, How I Met Your Mother, House and Glee as Hulu and the networks will allow me to see. When I need a break, I watch an episode of Harvey Birdman.

Random Encounters: Douchebags and Being Constructive

Posted by Viriatha

Douchebags

First, this rant does not apply to many people I know but if it applies to you, suck it. If not, feel free to ignore generalizations and move on.

Last week, I saw a comment posted to one of my entries here. The Direking saw fit to exercise his Direness and remove it but I’m going to post it here so I can talk about something important:

Boo who my boyfriend is gaming with people who don’t like me or want to game with me due to the dislike, so Ill go home get drunk and pretend to contemplate suicide to get my head sucked on for attention. “no lamer please don’t kill yourself”. Please do actually. I highly doubt you would have a M-16 in your closet if you are this seriously mentally unstable. – An Idiot

Shortly after, Berin posted this up. I want to carefully repeat and highlight something:

Blowing off depression as nothing more than the emo cries of an attention whore is part of what causes the problem in the first place. I didn’t get the real help I needed earlier because I didn’t want to be seen as a drama queen and I knew people wouldn’t take it seriously anyhow. – Viri

I second what Viri said. I have had moments of deep depression when I let things go right up until the very last possible moment before asking for help. Getting ridiculed for suffering deep depression or having suicidal thoughts is what keeps some people from seeking the help they truly need, makes them feel ashamed, and drives them to cover up their symptoms so others don’t notice the state their in and intervene. – Berin

What the hell is it that being born after 1980 makes so many people callous, insensitive douchebags? I don’t know that the original commenter is that young, but I’ll bet cash money on it.

The next time someone goes emo on you, encourage them to get help. There are many, many free resources out there for these problems. If they get on your nerves, avoid them. But don’t be a dickhead. Don’t dismiss it as nothing more than being an attention whore. Maybe they are being an attention whore, and just perhaps that’s exactly what they need to keep getting out of bed the next day!

If you’re someone who honestly thinks the world is better off with this person removed, I really do not want to know you.

Structure

I’ve started a Berin habit of keeping a binder with a list of things in it that I need to get done. I’m writing down everything. I’m finding I’m remembering more and worrying less just for that bit of use out of it. Additionally, it’s providing enough structure to my life that I’m actually feeling like I’m moving forward instead of just treading water.

I’m even making wargaming terrain!!!

Birthday Money Day

The broken car (brake failure, for those just tuning in) and the housing panic (will my plans to get a place next week be thwarted by the car repair bill?) issues have resolutions, which means I can actually spend the money people sent me for my birthday on reasonably frivolous stuff. So, I declared today to be Birthday Money Day. I walked part of the way to Borders (my friend Chris came driving by part-way and gave me a lift), where I bought a book (The Dwarves by Markus Heitz). Sat in comfy chairs and read a while. Went next door to Whole Foods for lunch and got a cranberry tuna sandwich the size of my head, good stuff. That’s my big splurge. Overall a pretty mellow, relaxed day.

In a while I’ll head off to the day job (or rather, be driven, as I’m dependent upon rides until my car is fixed), but this has been pretty close to downtime for me, or as close as I get these days.  Thanks, everybody!

Christmas

Oddly, the very thought of Christmas does not depress me this year. There’s plenty of reason for it to, of course. First Christmas in many years without Nancy and her mom. Christmas Eve is our wedding anniversary. All of that kind of stuff.

Yet Christmas this year brings a real promise of hope. Unless life throws me  another unforeseen curve, I’ll have my own place before then. Because I’m broke, and everyone knows it, the pressure is off to buy people gifts, which sounds horrible but really, people know I love them and I hate shopping. I want to get a tree, a small fake one, the kind that’s a foot or so tall and designed to be a table centerpiece. I want to listen to Christmas music and watch Christmas movies.

Most of all, I’m looking forward to Christmas because it means this abomination of a year is finally almost over.

Random Encounters: Meds, Cons, Fish & More

Posted by Viriatha

Art

So the last time I wrote, I was dreading going to art class because I’d gotten so little done but it turns out that my teacher, who isn’t suffering from depression, had the same problems. Instead we focused on a large work I’m doing, the first large piece I’ve ever attempted with a real subject and background. It even has detail!

This week, we’re not going to do art, other than some critiquing possibly. Between the weekend’s convention and my life, I’ve done very little. Also, we’re having a dinner and transportation is an issue so I won’t be there long at all anyhow.

Meds

I’m noticing some side effects as well as some real problems here. First, the sleeping pills make me sleep longer – like 3-4 hours longer than usual. Sleeping 11 hours is cool but not if you have another pill you’re supposed to take with breakfast. Also, I’m groggy for half the time I am awake.

My right hand swells up overnight. Nothing massive and it goes away in a few hours but unpleasant. Linked to that is some fairly massive dehydration and some other really unpleasant bits I won’t go into here.

Otherwise, I’m feeling more stable and mostly coping so the meds are doing their job and it’s possible I just need some adjustment.

Fish

I bought a 55 gallon fish tank, with some supplies, for 65$. Anyone who knows aquariums knows I got a deal, especially when a friend offered to make the stand for free.

Stage 1 – This is the tank in question cleaned up and on the stand for the first time. The joined are mitred and I’m going to buy 2 cabinet doors for the outside sections to hide equipment and supplies. Books will be kept in the center section. See the nearby tv for an idea of scale. This tank is FOUR FEET long!

Stage 2 – This is the tank once I’ve started putting gravel, decor and equipment into it. I still have to buy some things but it’s shaping up. The current plan is to slowly add water and see if anything leaks. I’m going to keep water in it for a total of 30 days then test the water from the tank and my tap so see how the rocks, etc. are affecting water chemistry.

The Con

Nerdacon was a mixed blessing. I didn’t sell anything except a commission to a friend but was able to talk to other vendors and learned alot. It was depressing to sit there with a bunch of strangers and have no interest, though. I did get to have bean sprouts for lunch on Saturday ^^

The best costume I saw was Darth Elvis. That was hilarious

Therapy

I have my TB test tomorrow morning and will be getting a peppermint/chocolate shake afterwards but I often feel like I’m treading water. Life continues but I can’t go forward until I know what’s a good idea right now and what isn’t and I really don’t trust my own judgement at this time.

Mostly, I’m setting very small goals and just trying to cope with getting through the day. It’s working but sometimes frustrating.

Sunday Brunch 11/15/09

I need to start doing this on a weekly basis. It gives me a place to point folks who want a detailed synopsis of how I’m doing. I’m playing with a slightly different format than before, so feedback is appreciated.

Gratitude

I am nothing without my friends. Period. I know that I’m a proud pain in the ass who has trouble asking for help, but I’m blessed to have friends who know this and come around and beat help into me if I won’t accept it any other way. As dire as thing have been for me, they would be so much worse without you. Thank you.

Health

It is amazing how much better I am for the removal of very specific sources of stress.

Depression continues to knock me on my ass. That’s just a reality, brought on by both season and circumstance. So far, however, I’ve continued to get back up one more time than I’m knocked down.

Goals

A few months back, after I’d lost my job, been hit with a divorce, and had my life thrown completely out of whack, I set myself a big, hairy, audacious goal. I was going to GenCon next year, as a publisher, in the best physical shape of my life, with my brand-new gamer girlfriend. Let’s break this down into its individual components to see how I’m doing:

Going to GenCon: This is the stickiest one, as I’m still under-employed and trying to figure out how I’m going to afford an apartment AND food AND gas AND and pocket money for anything else. I’m also looking long-term, and figuring out when I have to get a permanent, full-time job by in order to get vacation time, or at least time, off, for GenCon.

As  publisher: This is progressing. I have a lot of irons in the fire, and my original goal of having a Big Release for January 2010 remains in reach. One tweak, though, is that I want to BE a publisher, but I don’t necessarily want to attend the con as a publisher, with a booth or anything. I really think I’d like to just go meet friends and hang out.

In the best shape of my life: I try to walk as much as possible. I eat better, and less. I’m losing weight. Once I’m in my own place and have the resources, I’m getting a Wii specifically for Wii Fit. I can say that I’m in the best shape I’ve been in in years right now.

With my new gamer girlfriend: Even though my divorce isn’t legally final, I was seeing someone, albeit briefly. I taught her to game. She liked it, but it wasn’t going to work for other reasons. I figure, with the ex over 400 miles away and no chance of reconciliation, my sense of propriety about not dating because I’m technically still married are kind of silly in the amoral 21C.  Finding geek girls is not so hard as I thought it would be. Once I’m fully employed with my own place and in better shape, my prospects can only get even better, right?